So, I can’t sleep…got a lot on my mind…Facebook is too nosy…twitter doesn’t have enough room for my thoughts…so I find myself here…I love this website and I think it has mad potential…ok enough ass kissing…where to start…fuck it, let’s start somewhere towards the beginning…I grew up way too fucking fast. Unfortunately, I had to. One time, I heard my grandfather tell my grandmother that I was a lost soul that had been through more in 20 years than he had in 70. Guess that’s true…that makes me think of a quote “not all that wander are lost”…I could flood this website with stories of the things I’ve seen and done…Same ole cliche sob story: Didn’t know my real dad til I was 23, stepdad was a fucking asshole, and my mom would just throw $50 my way to get me outta the house. I’ve always been very independent, I’ve always done whatever I wanted, which usually ended up being ass backwards. I was married and had a child before most of my friends even finished college. Then my friends were getting married and starting their career when I was graduating college. Now I’m getting divorced and starting over when the rest of them are settling down and starting families. Haha, story of my life…but so many people fail to see the reality of my life and truth of who I really am. I don’t hate many things, but assumptions and judgment are two things that I definitely hate…some people who knew who I was growing up just thought I was a rich bitch. I wasn’t. Yeah, my parents had money, but everything I had was just show for them. I’ve always been down to earth and genuine. And I sure as hell never have or will have the gold-digging tendencies my mom seems to possess…..Some people who know the things I’ve been through feel sorry for me. Don’t. Feel sorry for the mother fuckers that did me wrong when they stand before the man upstairs on Judgment Day…..some people don’t understand the relationship my mom and I have. I don’t either, nor do I try to. She’s my mother, I love her. Whatever is lacking there, I make up for ten-fold with my daughter. I KNOW I’m a good mom…..some people don’t understand what took me so long to get a college education. Lemme tell you. I did go to college straight outta high school, but I wasn’t ready, I wasn’t mature enough, so I quit. Then a few years later, I put myself through college and I have a degree in Biology and specialize in Histology. I’m smart as hell and proud of it…..and A LOT of people don’t understand why it took me so long to walk out of my marriage. Because people give up too fucking easily these days. I stayed through some hard drug use b/c I said “for better or for worse” and if that was the worst, so be it. I wouldn’t have left a friend who needed help, so I wouldn’t leave my husband either. I walked through Hell with him, and I am proud that he has been clean for a couple years now. For our daughter’s sake. But I know without a doubt that I earned my way out of that marriage. There’s nothing he can say that I didn’t do. Marriage is not 50-50. It’s 100-100 and I put in 110%. Unfortunately for him, I also said “til death do us part”, which a lot of people think that means til you die. And it could, but it could also mean til the love dies. Which it did. After the storm, the damage had been done. It is what it is. But unlike a lot of people, I was woman enough to be real about the situation, and honestly tell him that I was not in love with him and walk away, instead of staying and resenting him or cheating on him. Some people say leaving was selfish. Maybe it was. But my whole life, I’ve done things to please everyone else. This is the first time I have ever done anything for myself, to make myself happy. And yeah, sometimes I do feel a little guilty. My guilt lies with my daughter and I can only pray to God that one day she’ll understand. But I have never…NEVER…been this happy……you must break the shell before you can spread your wings and you must endure resistance to be able to fly……a few months ago, I sat in a divorce hearing and I stared at the stack of papers before the judge, my attorney, and myself…ten years of my life, in a file folder…it looked like a book…then I realized in a way, it was…another chapter in my life coming to an end….another chapter just beginning…because after all, if you want to find ‘…happily ever after’, you have to turn the page.
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Epic Story, Rants
